jaybeasley2

the passing days have

have always drawn me back to a word.

or haven’t you heard?

this metal I wear around my

neck is sentimental,  not philosophical.

it is fate we met in wet green

rain bridge lake park after it is dark.

I bought a blank bound book to

write to you, that bites true.

if calling with positive karma vibes will

be what you need, then you’ll feed.

when I am destroyed by evolved

longing, I shall sing.

before it becomes dark thinking

realistically, i’ll drink some tea.

while we waltz our dancing

selves back home, it would

be a great roam, sharing the ideas

and places we have been,

once or again, seen.

ready for the day
reading into everything
getting a good bit of time
on a trip to the experience that we
have been waiting to share
not without a care
here inside
we were posing to have
silly pictures taken
while the night sky
had bubbles in it
and the crowd was exactly as fun
and thrilling
as a forgotten date
or a rain out
of a day of joy planned on for so long
but why not go anyways
we are going because nothing will stop us tonight
and people we want
and places we want to be
and see
are right here in our arms

then it has come to this
I might as well stay up all night to
appease myself by getting that little
half an hour and coffee then
disregard the day from this time
to the bit after I have crawled
into the covers while you slept
watched your every move then went to
a faraway place in your mind to pretend we
got along without anyone and had moments
you do know that this sound is my cracked
heart held together by glue and muck
pleasing itself by scheming up a way to get
just a bit more of your thoughtful aura
otherwise the escape of personal
company could drag down the sun for analysis
I stifle myself by avoiding all speaking confrontations
but we should talk about what you
and I want and need to have
not that I can stand the repercussive actions it
seems I create then desperately betray
fresh air is a good idea

lighting up
making an insane person
out of a moon
a drift a dream
a place we miss
and say goodnight
to the five hundred
examples of the words
passed down
from generation to generation
frightened to admit
that the time at home with you
is so much better
much better than a night out
or a fancy dinner
or a concert waiting for another concert
but it is not the
day to do anything but be thankful
and enjoy
a nightlight

do you know what
you are doing to
the people who are close to you
or is this not even on purpose
and that would be worse
because I know that the
torture that can only be
self-inflicted
is the exact kind that
you helped make for yourself
and you have not been destroyed
and you act like your last hurt is responsible for
all the bad actions that
you do over the course of a week
don’t get to have much of an effect
on the life you
pretend to have
buried at the house you supposedly call a home
but you don’t know what you are wasting
by having dead brain cells
tell you what to do
yet we are only as strong as
the moment demands
and you are as impressionable
as a young duckling
but the relief of a life of strained tension
is not ignoring it
and those that care can only have pain
pushed in their face
so many times
before the last night happens
and then you miss them and wonder why
you were treated so bad
before the downfall of pleasure
reveals
you have been giving yourself over
to the kind of living
that isn’t really a life
at all

jetting over the dryness we cough and cringe
intimate as our new dogs are we, so similar
lofty ideals we determine by disruption
letting yourself off the hook with an excuse
dirty hands, happy yellow faded walls, pieces of me
am I that bad yet sympathetic wallpaper you loved
money-filled tribes war in this wet-kiss, blue-lipped land
now I must observe the filtered-in hugs and rings
sentimental value, a sunset, both undervalued today
isn’t that my heart, that stuffed pepper, that was misplaced
living it up was the purple days of lazy, drinking stares
votes mean nothing to the hopeless, lost, and found in
every spectrum of blatant emotion, doubtless
rolling my palms across your back, I wonder about all this

blank page
why have I
bothered to find your crisp cleanness
on the occasion of a ceremony starting
when the last rays of light float on
put on that spot, vocal sounds are pathetic
not sad but with due resolve
a beginning of a word never completed
a hint that has no secret behind it
above the cup
a pair of eyes lurks
below themes we lit on frozen electricity
that cold inspires yelling and dancing
like no song before or since
or slower travel when an emergency looms
focused on their distant future before
the hour is even half gone
birthdays are letting me see
they aren’t clapping and singing
they are a candle being
extinguished
same as any other
but it has its own existence

it is not a choice that is up to me
it is just a bad day
a day in the dark
that removes the choice from me
so that I may be very,
very not free to pick out the number of paths stretching out
problem is,
no amount of convincing can make clear to me
the path of appropriate choice that I,
if I am honest,
could have a clue is the right one for me
do I know where I want to be in ten years, no
but I know where I want to be in three.
five.
can I follow a plan, yes
but to make this plan happen
I must first dedicate myself to the idea that I am not bad or wrong for wanting to get ahead
changing a life
and making a decision are what needs to be done
I know I am strong enough to do it
so the time has come for the freedom-loving
soul in me to shake hands with the dedicated professional
make contact
and start all over once again
nothing is quite as hard as admitting you were wrong
but starting all over again down a brand new path of searching
and learning is one of the things that has it beat
professionally and artistically
spiritually and physically
this sort of thing is a real test
what kind of a mind does it take to be like that?
what kind of a brain, no
it seems like the tendency is to just
make it up as you go along and I mean
I know what it is like to be put down
and run over in the long haul but
a person who could be your closest
pushing you away because you do
save and you do spend
and you do put money away and think of the future
way too much because how could you know?
I can see that acting one way can make
you turn out another but still
basic living quarters and food would be one thing
but this is more like the times when I didn’t want to let someone down
yet I knew I would because I had to take care of myself first
then consider the options of helping others and
I learned that one the hard way
so guess I should be sorry that
I wasn’t able to get a good enough glimpse of something
coming but instead put down the idea of myself accomplishing it
I mean,
whose side are your desires on?
if you want to accomplish it, then do it
don’t sit around mumbling to yourself
and don’t become the bully
just get up and do what you have in mind
because the only person that you are letting down is yourself
and the only person who
will not go as far as you want them to go is you
and the opposite is true
stopping your entire life by giving
in to the desires of others is foolish
caring about disturbing others is very different
from making a decision and acting on it even if it does disturb others
there are signals
we give to others
that we have had enough
even if we do not give it to ourselves
I would rather know
for a fact I am letting someone down
then do what I want
and have everyone act like I am
if this is the direction I have chosen to go then let me be aware