spiral

it is not a choice that is up to me
it is just a bad day
a day in the dark
that removes the choice from me
so that I may be very,
very not free to pick out the number of paths stretching out
problem is,
no amount of convincing can make clear to me
the path of appropriate choice that I,
if I am honest,
could have a clue is the right one for me
do I know where I want to be in ten years, no
but I know where I want to be in three.
five.
can I follow a plan, yes
but to make this plan happen
I must first dedicate myself to the idea that I am not bad or wrong for wanting to get ahead
changing a life
and making a decision are what needs to be done
I know I am strong enough to do it
so the time has come for the freedom-loving
soul in me to shake hands with the dedicated professional
make contact
and start all over once again
nothing is quite as hard as admitting you were wrong
but starting all over again down a brand new path of searching
and learning is one of the things that has it beat
professionally and artistically
spiritually and physically
this sort of thing is a real test
what kind of a mind does it take to be like that?
what kind of a brain, no
it seems like the tendency is to just
make it up as you go along and I mean
I know what it is like to be put down
and run over in the long haul but
a person who could be your closest
pushing you away because you do
save and you do spend
and you do put money away and think of the future
way too much because how could you know?
I can see that acting one way can make
you turn out another but still
basic living quarters and food would be one thing
but this is more like the times when I didn’t want to let someone down
yet I knew I would because I had to take care of myself first
then consider the options of helping others and
I learned that one the hard way
so guess I should be sorry that
I wasn’t able to get a good enough glimpse of something
coming but instead put down the idea of myself accomplishing it
I mean,
whose side are your desires on?
if you want to accomplish it, then do it
don’t sit around mumbling to yourself
and don’t become the bully
just get up and do what you have in mind
because the only person that you are letting down is yourself
and the only person who
will not go as far as you want them to go is you
and the opposite is true
stopping your entire life by giving
in to the desires of others is foolish
caring about disturbing others is very different
from making a decision and acting on it even if it does disturb others
there are signals
we give to others
that we have had enough
even if we do not give it to ourselves
I would rather know
for a fact I am letting someone down
then do what I want
and have everyone act like I am
if this is the direction I have chosen to go then let me be aware

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About jaybeasley2

a writer, a painter, a poet, a wordsmith
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to spiral

  1. hudaxabdi says:

    I love this, so powerful, truly speaks volumes to me, I’d love if you could read some of my writing and let me know what you think, it’d mean the world, thank you 🙂 ✨

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