realization detail

red dawn begins its
evolving glow through the window curtain,
across the green and blue of the airy room,
little sounds of my two ladies sleeping through
interesting minutes of the earth waking up,
zoning out to the delicate grey which
almost seems like a mood,
that has an atmosphere and a color all its own,
icy colors but with a warming feel,
on a foundation of letters from an old friend,
near the warm drink we have had every christmas,
daring myself to work harder today than
ever before just to even the score,
then when i rise i know i will be driven,
after the calm bounces back with activity, see?
information filled day then i come home to you,
leave us alone, world, tonight is just us
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talking underground

torn between working and rest
after a day of a thousand questions
like one sip of water every single minute
keeping steady like that
it can fill you up real quick like
nobody can stop me from
getting back my one hundred percent
utilizing all positivity kind of groove
needlessly reflecting on all i did
doing my best to be totally compassionate
every day hurts but
really do think that i probably deserve it so
getting up and carrying on is the only choice yet
ready to face each day is a challenge i accept
on the hope i can make it back here tomorrow
underneath the candle glow
near legs of solid marble
do not need much else in this reality
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compassion reloaded

coming inside
once again it fels like i have been here
many times before and
purposefully chose to be right back
again without a conscious thought about it
slowing down just enough to
show myself why i made this exact set of choices
in my process of returning to where
originally i had never thought i could
nine times out of ten i
really would have talked myself out of this attempt
even if i wanted it as bad as i do but
like the moms always say “you do what you have to do”
okay then i will have to just toughen up even more
and make a more observant
decision than was done last time
entering every hour like a prince entering a throneroom
don’t know how long i’ve got so lets depart
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cooking discontent

capturing this mood is like
overly large amounts of cheese on nachos
or an empty ketchup bottle when there is hot fries,
king of a small farm
is better than president of an empty country,
needle in a haystack is how i would describe
getting lucky enough to find you again,
don’t want to know what life would be like
if i had not been so fortunate,
someday i can look back on this
current place i am at and see it differently like
our house if there was no furniture in it,
near my bed is the last gift from my mother
the chinese bowl that represents staying happy,
every time i look at it i remember her saying
nobody can stop you if you find what makes your heart sing
that is the best advice there is
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positioning problems

possibilities are all over the place
options for what to do with yourself
if given the chance to break out of your shell
skin real tough, but it never saw the sun
operating under a different frequency altogether
not hidden but someplace people go to hide
interstate energies all gathered in one spot
not being found untill being properly presented
getting to sleep after selecting where to go next
permanent question of where tomorrow leads
reminded of past downhill walks
or places that felt like people
because of how much you miss them or love them
like a little medicine you can’t get because of how sick you are
endure whatever you have to do so that
maybe you can see that sunset one more time before
slowly slipping away
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under the moon glow

up the tree
needing to just step off ground
down here is not where i want to
easily lay down some where
right at the perfect tallness to relax
the moon goes out to show its face
high at the bed of fluffy grey
encapsulated like a silver mirror
murky like fog covered mountains
operating at the most silent art of the night
off in the dark an animal hurries away
not looking for anything but a snack
got a few stars and planets winking down
like friends i don’t get to see enough
only want to see this light reflected in your eyes
wish we were here every night
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plastic personality

perfect as you think you are,
look around and see all those who
always focus on the facts and accurate timelines,
soothe yourself with your lies but
take time to see those eyes on your every move,
intend one thing but let another happen and they will
catch on to you and hound you and haunt
places and people you thought you were close to,
each time one of them changes and wants you away,
reach out to them and they disappear like a ghost,
some moments like that make you realize who is real,
over-correction won’t help this problem flooding your life,
names of faces are never remembered as well as lessons,
allow yourself to forget how much people hate you yet
light the flame that shines on your falsehood,
ignite a drive to get something done about
those problems you yourself have created,
your time is nearly up
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