she said… (imagined monologue)

You don’t know that I am happy in my
bitterness. Which only makes sense.
But I have had enough of this, I would be
glad to stop doing so many things if I thought you
could sacrifice for me, but you cannot. I know
this and I am sorry, but stop. I cannot say how
much you are not a foreign person, but trying just
shows that I miss me; and that is no good, because
I could sit down and dedicate hours and hours to the
things I need to do, and still not even
touched the things I want to do. Procrastination is sad.
But the sadness that drives us is worse, and to be
frozen by self doubt is not fun or funny. I
could just wreck a few minutes by being angry,
or I could move on to something more
productive, and let go. I cannot be a faceless
stranger to myself anymore, and I can’t
back down now. Time is a very important
thing if you have honor and purpose. I can
only get so far before I must face the
idea that as long as I have not
accomplished as much as my mind wants, so
now then I can no longer avoid facing that
desire. Being forced to face the fact that all I
have now is my own self to blame, and get
on with it, before rebuilding is just a
washed-up horrible name for no good news left.
It is not a choice that is up to me, it is
just a bad day, a day in the dark. that
removes the choice from me, so that I may
be very, very unfree to pick from the number
of paths stretching out; problem is, no
amount of convincing can make clear to
me the path of appropriate choice that I, if I
am honest, could have a clue as the right
one for me. Do I know where I want to be
in ten years, no. But I know where I want to be
in three. so can I follow a plan, yes.
but to make this plan happen, I must first dedicate
myself to the idea I am not bad or wrong
for wanting to get ahead. Changing a life
and making a decision are what needs to be
done. I know I am strong enough to do it,
so the time has come for the freedom loving
soul in me to shake hands with the dedicated
professional, make contact, and start all over
once again. Nothing is quite as hard as
admitting you were wrong, but starting all
over again down a brand new path of
searching and learning is one of the things
that has it beat. Professionally and artistically,
spiritually and physically, this sort of thing
is a real test.
what kind of a mind does it take to be like that?
it seems like the tendency is to just
make it up as you go along and I mean
I know what it is like to be put down
and run over in the long haul but a
person who could be your closest
pushing you away because you do
save and you do spend and you
do put away money and think of the
future, think of the future way too
much because how could you know?
I can see how acting one way can make
you turn out another but still,
basic living quarters and food
would be one thing, but this is more
like the times when I didn’t want to
let someone down yet I knew I
would because I had to take care of
myself first, then consider the options of
helping others and I learned that one the
hard way. so I guess I should
be sorry that I wasn’t able to get
a good enough glimpse of something
coming but instead put down the
idea of myself accomplishing it.
I mean, whose side are your desires on?
if you want to accomplish it, then do it.
don’t sit around mumbling to
yourself, and don’t become the
bully, just get up and do what you
have in mind because the only
person that you are letting down is
yourself, and the only person who
will go as far as you want
them to go is you, and the opposite is true.
stopping your entire life by giving
in to the desires of others IS FOOLISH.
caring about disturbing others is very
different from making a decision
and acting on it even if it does
disturb others. there are signals we
give to others that we have had enough
even if we do not give it to ourselves.
I would rather know for a fact I
am letting someone down then do what
I want and have everyone act like I am.
if this is the direction I have chosen to go,
then let me be aware.

About jaybeasley2

a writer, a painter, a poet, a wordsmith
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