jaybeasley2

jetting over the dryness we cough and cringe
intimate as our new dogs are we, so similar
lofty ideals we determine by disruption
letting yourself off the hook with an excuse
dirty hands, happy yellow faded walls, pieces of me
am I that bad yet sympathetic wallpaper you loved
money-filled tribes war in this wet-kiss, blue-lipped land
now I must observe the filtered-in hugs and rings
sentimental value, a sunset, both undervalued today
isn’t that my heart, that stuffed pepper, that was misplaced
living it up was the purple days of lazy, drinking stares
votes mean nothing to the hopeless, lost, and found in
every spectrum of blatant emotion, doubtless
rolling my palms across your back, I wonder about all this

blank page
why have I
bothered to find your crisp cleanness
on the occasion of a ceremony starting
when the last rays of light float on
put on that spot, vocal sounds are pathetic
not sad but with due resolve
a beginning of a word never completed
a hint that has no secret behind it
above the cup
a pair of eyes lurks
below themes we lit on frozen electricity
that cold inspires yelling and dancing
like no song before or since
or slower travel when an emergency looms
focused on their distant future before
the hour is even half gone
birthdays are letting me see
they aren’t clapping and singing
they are a candle being
extinguished
same as any other
but it has its own existence

it is not a choice that is up to me
it is just a bad day
a day in the dark
that removes the choice from me
so that I may be very,
very not free to pick out the number of paths stretching out
problem is,
no amount of convincing can make clear to me
the path of appropriate choice that I,
if I am honest,
could have a clue is the right one for me
do I know where I want to be in ten years, no
but I know where I want to be in three.
five.
can I follow a plan, yes
but to make this plan happen
I must first dedicate myself to the idea that I am not bad or wrong for wanting to get ahead
changing a life
and making a decision are what needs to be done
I know I am strong enough to do it
so the time has come for the freedom-loving
soul in me to shake hands with the dedicated professional
make contact
and start all over once again
nothing is quite as hard as admitting you were wrong
but starting all over again down a brand new path of searching
and learning is one of the things that has it beat
professionally and artistically
spiritually and physically
this sort of thing is a real test
what kind of a mind does it take to be like that?
what kind of a brain, no
it seems like the tendency is to just
make it up as you go along and I mean
I know what it is like to be put down
and run over in the long haul but
a person who could be your closest
pushing you away because you do
save and you do spend
and you do put money away and think of the future
way too much because how could you know?
I can see that acting one way can make
you turn out another but still
basic living quarters and food would be one thing
but this is more like the times when I didn’t want to let someone down
yet I knew I would because I had to take care of myself first
then consider the options of helping others and
I learned that one the hard way
so guess I should be sorry that
I wasn’t able to get a good enough glimpse of something
coming but instead put down the idea of myself accomplishing it
I mean,
whose side are your desires on?
if you want to accomplish it, then do it
don’t sit around mumbling to yourself
and don’t become the bully
just get up and do what you have in mind
because the only person that you are letting down is yourself
and the only person who
will not go as far as you want them to go is you
and the opposite is true
stopping your entire life by giving
in to the desires of others is foolish
caring about disturbing others is very different
from making a decision and acting on it even if it does disturb others
there are signals
we give to others
that we have had enough
even if we do not give it to ourselves
I would rather know
for a fact I am letting someone down
then do what I want
and have everyone act like I am
if this is the direction I have chosen to go then let me be aware

it was created for you, dear.
when you weren’t looking, piled right up.
inside your mind, you knew.
these days a lot seems to
sneak around you, even
when you are looking.
it could
even attempt to tell your tale,
to get right the story.
but that would just cause
assumptions and regrets,
yet not done correctly, of course.
maybe
pick an image,
a symbol, a picture
to convey and say everything.
but, what can say all of that?
put into words,
it wouldn’t have the real deal, unless these
could be recorded, because the mood
is temporal and transitional.
late night conversation like that is
instant history, set in time.
hmmmm.
nobody even ever introduced you
to your dark side, did they?

I have got it in
my brain to ask
the question that
has been burning its way out
and into your
hesitant conversation
when I remember our
pieces of a week
I have to laugh
because we are ridiculous
and silly
and we scrape together enough
to go out for some shots
all I hoped for
was that you would let me
snuggle up with you
on the couch
and pick a new
place to discover
this summer

you don’t know that I am happy in my bitterness
which only makes sense
but I have had enough of this.
I would be
glad to stop doing so many things if I thought you
could sacrifice for me.
but you cannot.
I know this
and I am sorry, but stop.
I cannot say how
much you are not a foreign person, but
trying just shows that I miss me.
and that is no good
because I could sit down and dedicate hours and hours to the
things I need to do, and still have not even
touched the things I want to do.
procrastination is sad.
but the sadness that drives us is worse
and to be frozen by self doubt is not fun or funny;
I could just wreck a few minutes by being angry
or I could move on to something more productive,
and let go.
I cannot be
a faceless stranger to myself anymore
and I can’t back down now.
time is a very important thing,
if you have honor and purpose
I can only get so far
before I must face the idea that as long as I have not
accomplished as much as my mind wants
so now then I can no longer avoid facing that desire
being forced to face the fact that all I
have now is my own self to blame and get on with it
before rebuilding is just a washed up horrible name for
no good news left.

shattered and rearranged
our time has come
and all the memories past
like the rain that vanished
after you had your way
you played in the pool
we halted after
the cake and beer
and we made up a
story about those
who had not been able to make it
answering our own questions
and tempting fate
I asked for the peace
that only sleep will bring
and I hoped
to be bringing you
a Christmas present
for our house

You told

You told me how you felt

And the red

Roses shed their petals

The tears of blood on eye of love

Comes to shed when times are rough

A taste of my low moments

Have come to visit me again

And I am so surprised that

You ever wanted to give me a chance in the first palce

Because you saw who I was

And where I was from

The only thing that

I saw in you was

Hope