pace

I saw you

like a laminated letter, the

message was there but the

text was not clear, a mess of the ink

becoming lost in the meaning but

not a single word made clearer

in the ways that a person can see,

sometimes deep within a brain a

person can make more work than

could ever be accomplished by

the hands, you new I was here, here

for you even though you didn’t

know how much it was true, it

just took all your energy to keep on

getting up in the morning and now that

you were having a better job in the

evening a whole different world had

opened up its arms for you, and if

you knew when the champion of late

moon sparkle had planned to be here

then you would have acted differently,

but now it is just the final flow of an

overworked crew, ranch hands and

waitresses and bartenders and cooks,

with nothing better to do than collect

together, like leafs in a rain gutter,

and they wouldn’t believe the magic

if it walked up and asked for

the time

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downton

while

the

sky

drips

and

a

long

walk

goes

on

nothing

is

as

it

seems

to

be

feeling

like

a

desperate

distant

signal

sent

into

the

ocean

for

the

only

one

out

in

these disturbing depths

these devouring demons

these deceptive delisions

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two days

where I was is where

the candle was yet

you pretended to miss two of

the things you couldn’t even

use for what you wanted

when you had the chance

so why pretend to want and

wish for it now that the

wind will have different

directions before your tears

even hit your feet and I

should know I have been there

it is why I needed to tell

you it is where the flame is…

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her glazed eyes

spray my vacant communication

and lift the ban in your

displayed hometown

waste no time buying some

of that same delusion

place, play, and display

those desires

are always difficult to

resist and are risky

do you even have the

ability to respond

like you want to

do you know that? 

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getting there

you waited to rip open

and swallow my soul

eating love whole

until you are full and not

nearly as proud as

you wasted and were in

front of that crowd

driven crazy or dying

to get away from it all

graves seem cheerful

playing is every moment

offensive seems natural

numbers are just alien

take your pick make your

choice take this message

don’t act like you

don’t wanna be gone

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flesh please

when we waited,

ours is an agreement

that’s breaking hurt,

like a reverse bear trap,

or an opened mind

by the stroke of midnight,

but I was there when you

said you didn’t know

yet you came and saw angry

words every minute, or

as much as the bad was before

whenever these attentions

were not the focused day,

can I document this hell

of my own misunderstandings

that I bleedingly  need to

deal with, just get

really fucking ready

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freed

everyday

repentant and disgusting

you give up hope

in a way that’s so

rewardingly profound

I wasn’t the schedule

that you found

it was competent the way

our family trees assembled

yours was the famous

old joke that no made up

scorned bar second place

could show up

some wayward orphan flew

into the lives after a mother and son

but the tales followed as did the sun

a dawn that let to painful reunions

when this night bit down

we read out our cards

let the chips fall and

chewed our

revealing indescribable

petty meaningful friend-losing unremember-able  

and twitchy bottom lip

and ended it

 

 

 

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sense

the air in here

keeps telling me

but I cannot tell myself

I look around at the

red brick walls

and I cant bring myself to

avoid re-living

the many times we met in rooms

exactly like this and talked until

dawn

about everything except what

was right in front of us

I would have given the

entire world of mine

to somehow talk cupid into

putting an arrow into your heart

I would not have

looked away that time

but now you are so far away from me

it hurts

the grasping of your shoulders

when we hug is not enough

I want to see you every morning

I wake up

just by rolling over

if I don’t say something more than

I have ever before

it may never happen…

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shown

masking the scene

making a dream

monitoring the little mistakes

that brought back a feeling of zen

after the burning emotions

had left town again

when you mentioned coming here to stay

I thought you were not

moving away

and the sad anger burst my feelings

like I knew what you meant

but couldn’t find the words to say

before I knew not to take you

so very seriously

because this was the compiling of your creativity

like a shield without a sword

or a compliment ignored

under washes of flame

or a few raindrops of fire

how far would you stand to wait

our souls are

melting together

like candle wax

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thief

as the little old men

gather and share coffee

and stories of the times they

know will make each other laugh

one single solitary leaf

comes from above

to land on the blank  page

I have spent the past few hours contemplating

and as it sits

vein side up

I am stirred from my silver lining

to this exact moment

right now in this very minute

all I have tried and been

all I have done and seen

comes rushing back in full detail

and I can either change course and get

what I want out of life

by striving, straining, doing

or join the rest of the world in

being a worker for someone else’s cause

all this time

I have been

building a cocoon

for someone else’s caterpillar…

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